Feeling Invisible

(Photos by Microsoft Clipart) ~~ I had one of those days Monday when all the whistles and bells were going off and issues triggered left and right – maybe not where others would notice but that’s what was going off on the inside of me.

It started off bright and early when I sat down at my desk at work and booted up my computer to get ready to log in. I get this error message – Access denied – your user has expired. What? I didn’t know what was going on.

It turned out that proper paperwork had not been sent in to keep me on board and security had cancelled my access. Sooooo, after 3 hours of working around systems and asking people to look up things for me I finally got access and could log in.

Having said all that, it doesn’t seem like what happened was a big deal and normally it isn’t. You expect glitches and set backs once in awhile. It’s part of working with technology and I understand that but for some reason this set off a lot of “stuff” within me I wasn’t prepared for. It was old hurts and thoughts of feeling neglected, not important enough, invisible….little did I know I would be facing a meltdown 9 AM Monday morning. I was blindsided.

In “A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose”, Eckhart Tolle says some pretty telling truths that hit on what I was experiencing:

“Whatever behavior the ego manifests, the hidden motivating force is always the same: the need to stand out, be special, be in control; the need for power, for attention, for more. And, of course, the need to feel a sense of separation, that is to say, the need for opposition, enemies.”

“The ego always wants something from other people or situations. There is always a hidden agenda, always a sense of “not enough yet,” of insufficiency and lack that needs to be filled. It uses people and situations to get what it wants, and even when it succeeds, it is never satisfied for long.”

I could at least recognize, after the fact, that I had identified and fallen for the old conditioning. When you’re in the midst of these triggered thoughts and emotions you want to be right – you want validation.

But, it’s comforting to know that there’s nothing wrong with me. I don’t have a split personality with a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other wondering which side will show up. Tolle says,

“All that is required to become free of the ego is to be aware of it, since awareness and ego are incompatible. Awareness is the power that is concealed within the present moment. This is why we may also call it Presence.”….“Only Presence can undo the past in you and thus transform your state of consciousness.”

I know there will be more times when emotions and
old hurts will surface again but each time I become more aware of what is happening and not fuel it by reacting or attaching to it. The more I learn to observe and watch the situation and what I’m doing with it and not judge, the less effect it will have on me. That is what it is like to be set free.

What triggers in you some of the old hurts you’ve held on to? You know what they are – you can feel them and know when you’ve lost it. There’s a part of you watching yourself go off ranting and raving and you sometimes wonder why you’re so upset. It’s all part of the egos we all have acting out to feel safe because when we wake up to whom we truly are it diminishes and dissolves as it exists right now.

Who we are and what we do does count – we have to know that and not look for it in the world and in people. They can’t give it to us. We already have our Beingness only we need to look for it where it is – within.

Buddha’s famous answer when asked what he was: Are you a god? “No.” Are you super-human? “No.” Are you an ordinary man? “No.” What are you then? “I’m awake.”

~~ From Himalaya’s blog on StumbleUpon ~~

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11 thoughts on “Feeling Invisible

  1. Hi Pat,

    I had to laugh “your user has expired”. That’s a great way to start a Monday morning.

    I’m hoping all is better in your world. What I find sets me off is lack of sleep. Then if I don’t eat and get low blood sugar, look out. I can get cranky.

    Knowing this, I strive to get rest and eat regular meals. I have also learned that if I’m feeling cranky, I let others know I am not having a good day.

  2. Barbara – I’m happy you stopped by and said a few words – thank you. It’s always good to hear from you.

    Yeah – Monday was something else. It sure showed me I haven’t arrived yet. Those triggers that reach down in the deep parts of your soul let you know “You’re okay” and not to take yourself too serious.


  3. Aww (( hugs ))
    I love how you used what you learned from Ekhart here because I think it is an example that I can easily reference when I hit points like that. I have my triggers like strong feelings about abandonment throughout my life. I find that to be one of the most painful things and I could take small triggers and run with them if I allow them.

    Am I completely free from such reactions? no .. but what Ekhart says about awareness is SO true and it has really armed me with something I havent had in so long

    Peace of mind

    Heres to you and better Mondays!


  4. JEMi – you’re right about these triggers and they’re different for everyone. Abandonment issues are major and you can feel physically ill when these triggers are set off.

    I felt that Monday with the “invisible” triggers and feeling passed over as if I didn’t exist. I felt an overwhelming surge of sadness and emotion and close to tears. Over what – simple computer problems?

    But that’s, as Eckhart says, identification with abandonment or feeling invisible as if that’s who we are. But, it isn’t.

    Amazing. But it’s like you said, what we have learned from reading Eckhart’s book really makes a difference in realizing what is happening and what to do rather than just feeling helpless.

    I love your feedback and comments. Happy you stopped back. Thank you.


  5. Hi Pat,

    Believe me, the computer headache you just described can reduce even the strongest man to tears. I’ve had entire days swallowed up trying to resolve a maddening computer problem. It least it drove you to read Echarte. Usually it just drives me to drink!

  6. Hi Mark – happy you stopped by.

    Yes – you described it perfectly with regard to computer issues. The frustration and turmoil it stirs up in us can put your whole day in a tailspin. It seemed to do that for me at the start.

    Then, I thought what Eckhart talked about while in the middle of those overwhelming emotions and tried to practice observing what was happening.

    It wasn’t easy as I had already attached to it and emotions were strong and I wanted to play it out. But I found when the event passed I came out on the other side with a better outlook and a feeling that something had shifted within me.

    Each time I hope I’ll get better at it and learn to recognize the symptoms before hand. Then, go get that drink to celebrate another chance to wake up.

    Whew! What a ride. Your comment makes me feel like I’m not alone when it comes to these computer triggers.

    Thank you for commenting. Enjoyed your feedback.


  7. Pat this is always wonderful advice. “But, it’s comforting to know that there’s nothing wrong with me.” If we could only remember that there is nothing wrong and everything right with us.

    You asked about painful triggers. I’m particularly affected by incidents in my current relationship that remind me of the same kind in my former marriage. At east like you say, awareness has gotten me to the point of understanding.

  8. Hi Tom – I enjoyed your feedback. It’s always interesting to see what triggers others have.

    If, in that trigger, you can realize that it’s just a trigger and then be conscious of how you react to it, you will go a long way in releasing its effect on you.

    I know it’s hard when in the midst of emotions and chaos. In my situation, I could finally let it pass and run its course. I didn’t do very well with it but afterwards I could look back on it and see what I had learned.

    Thank you for commenting and for stopping by.


  9. I appreciate your candor, Pat. I can so relate to it! Just this morning I went into our health care website to order prescription refills for family members. They have changed it all around and I can’t access the info. I called and got menus that didn’t help. I emailed them and may get a response in the next 24 hrs. What I decided to do was be aware enough to stay calm. That is the only thing that saves my sanity from technical triggers that really irk my ego.

  10. Deb – so true. The simplest thing can seem to set it off and if you’re not aware to take time and stay calm like you did it can take over.

    Sometimes, I think the triggers get the best of us when we’re so focused on the task at hand and with that we cut ourselves off from others. We’re disconnected and don’t realize it and the trigger can be used for an “ah-ha” moment to take inventory and realize our priorities and what’s important.

    Thank you for your feedback. I’m enjoying hearing what others experience and how they work through this.


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