Do you remember putting puzzles together or painting by the numbers, when there was mostly sky? It was hard to find the pieces to put together, as there was nothing with which to match them up; or, in painting the sky, the same color got tiring ― maybe, even boring. It was how I was thinking about my life the past few months. Things slowed down to a halt with not much happening and I got to wondering what this was all about.
I’m back on my feet now, after breaking my ankle back in June, and I couldn’t feel more blessed. But, I had a lot of time to reflect waiting for it to heal. I wasn’t in a bad place, really; in fact, it was actually refreshing, after I stopped fighting and began to embrace where I’m at in this stage of my life. I had been given time to learn and be grateful.
Sitting out the summer has given me a different perspective. I have to say, this broken ankle is one of the hardest things I’ve experienced, from the start ― physically, mentally and emotionally ― mostly because I fought it. At first, I went through the whole gamut of emotions from angry to depressed feeling completely restrained.
There was so much I had planned to do this summer and it wasn’t sitting on my butt with limited mobility. We were coming out of winter, things were greening up and the air was warm and I was itching to be out of the house. The seasons are shorter in the mountains and springtime is slow coming at our altitude. I couldn’t wait to breathe in that fresh air, get out and do things, like work in the yard, or walk around exploring trails on mountain mini trips. (Please understand. I was having a major pity party. I knew I had some mobility and there was a lot I could still do.)
Truly, there were things I was just not willing to accept and I was making life much harder on myself than I needed to. Within me, I always know there is more going on for reasons yet unknown, when events like this happen in my life. With all the emotional triggers pushed, there would have been many reasons I would not have taken the time to sit still and notice. In these golden years, I felt time was running out.
But, I wasn’t getting it and it was like the universe had other ideas by pinning me down and have me look at things I’ve been avoiding all my life. I had space and time to really see me. There was probably no other way to confront some of those deeper hurts and issues. As I panned over the years of what happened and the things I had done, my life looked like a blue sky. Was it that empty with not much to show for it?
At first, that seemed pretty dull but over time my views began to change, Now, summer is over and fall is here and it won’t be long the snow will be flying. I have finally come to know that the time has not been wasted. I’ve realized, though a blue sky appears not to do anything, there is more going on than at first glance. To begin with:
- It’s blue and beautiful
- It gives air to breathe and stay alive
- It’s openness allows the birds to fly through and clouds to float
- It embraces the storms that come and allows them to pass on
- It absorbs oxygen from the trees and replenishes me with moisture
- It filters the sun’s rays to give me warmth and energy for growth
- It holds the moon and shares the stars to help me dream and rest
- It reminds me to be still and wonder at the goodness that’s around me
Instead of chasing after something I felt was missing in my life. I’ve realized that all I would ever need is already here. All the things I’ve done in my life were necessary and important to get me to where I am now. I don’t need to go out and look for it anymore ― it will find me and I will know it and what to do.
All those questions I asked myself ― “What is this all about?” “Why?”― are not necessary anymore. The word ‘courage’ came to me pretty clear at the start of this year. I don’t know that I’ve had a lot of courage or cooperated very well in all of this but I’ve really tried my best. It seems like the timing was right this year for me to put things in better order, though in the beginning I didn’t understand nor want to.
If I were a poet, maybe I’d put it to words something like this . . .
Like a big, beautiful sky
See how each day unfolds
Embracing life with arms open wide
Like a beautiful blue sky
It’s true in what Michael Monroe sings, “everything is as it should be”. I’ve had some lessons on that this summer and it feels good to reconnect and share them with you. If you’ve had similar feelings and experiences I’d love to hear how you handled them and what you did.
Thank you for your patience in my blogging absence. I’m happy to see you’re still here.
Pat from the ‘ol kitchen table