I’m falling in love again with a little girl named Patsy. I’ve lost touch with her since I grew up. You may say I abandoned her, when I moved on to what was accepted and required. She grew pigtails, climbed trees and built houses in the dirt. We used to play and had a loving, imaginary friend that was always with us. (You’re right ― that’s me.)
They were happy, carefree days with warm summer breezes and cloudless skies, where she played with cousins and ran barefoot in the dirt.
Years passed and I left her to learn the necessary functions of the world: obey the rules, read, write and learn how to be responsible. There was less time for imaginary play in my evolution of fitting in and growing up. I was no longer a child and slowly turned away from what I thought were childish things.
I found new friends and new interests more to the liking of what was then going on in my world. She never left me, though, and was not far away. I could always feel her presence awaiting my return to take her hand and go on adventures, like when her mother walked her to kindergarten.
It’s taken almost a lifetime for me to reconnect with her. There is so much catching up and explaining to do, stories to tell. When I close my eyes, I can see her clearly standing in front of me looking for me to come and play, only now I’m grown up and she’s still a child.
Before I moved on to the mental and physical phases of my life, Patsy was the innocent expression of my freedom and creativity. She held onto my emotions, when things happened I didn’t understand or feelings I didn’t know how to face. It’s like I left her holding the bag.
It’s strange how we go through life with fragmented pieces of what may be determined as accomplishments, beliefs of how people think of us and what we own, only to discover who we are. When we do, it’s as if we’ve traveled, full circle, fitting all the pieces together perfectly.
My heart is warm and full of love having rejoined Patsy, that part of me I left long ago. There’s playfulness in the air, as we recapture the innocence of our childhood to pick up where we left off.
There’s also unfinished business to attend to, as we partner up and open the bag she held onto for so long. Together, we’ll take each feeling out, one at a time, be with it until it fades and allow our hearts to settle in peace.
We all have triggers that send us into emotional orbit. I used to think talking, with an open mind, was the answer to any reconciliation. But, I’ve since learned that talking doesn’t diminish the real issues. It only puts a band-aid on them with mental analysis. The key is not to ‘kill the messengers’ of the triggers on the outside but to note the feelings they bring up on the inside and where they’re the strongest. Then, feel them through, however long it takes, for closure.
I have so much time to make up. I want to take Patsy in my arms, hold her and tell her I’m sorry I left. I feel her love and tender forgiveness, as I write this, with excited anticipation for what may unfold, free of many energies once trapped for so long.
Pat from the ol’ kitchen table