I haven’t written much nor have I been in the mix lately. I apologize. There’s a reason for that — I’m not going to lie. I’ve been facing personal demons and struggling with writing about it. I don’t want to add any more drama than is already out there. Instead, maybe sharing a bit of the process for me to finally break free of old beliefs that no longer serve me will help some of you.
Something is shifting within me and calling. I can feel it, though, I’m not quite sure what it is or where it will take me. So, I’ve been laying low and, needless to say, resisting a lot. Only this time, the ‘forces-that-be’ appear to have been set in motion and won’t be denied.
It’s a battle between mind and heart, as I am again sitting at this computer and, for the “nth” time, attempting to write this story. It’s difficult because I’m living the story as I write it. It’s forever changing and my thoughts are jumbled up. Yet, my heart compels me to write. So, here goes.
Many things have shown up lately as I’ve once again taken on the challenges of spiritual growth by embracing authentic, personal responsibility of old fears. I can see where they’re interconnected and have arrived to be addressed. They will no longer tolerate the busyness of life and will no longer be put on the back shelf.
Funny, how once we decide to truly look within and willingly seek help to make heart changes, Pandora’s box springs open. One of these life-long battles that’s recently raised its head is my eyesight.
It’s something I’ve struggled with as far back as early childhood. I can remember around 7 years of age, when I got my first glasses. It was nighttime and, when I stepped outside the eye doctor’s office to leave with my parents, I remember looking up at the sky. It was as if I saw stars for the first time. I couldn’t stop looking up and then all around — trees, cars, buildings. It was mesmerizing. Everything seemed to have been drawn closer and I could see them clearly. I was discovering a new world all within the context of these framed glasses.
In school I no longer had to rely on copying classmates’ notes nor sit up front to see the board. I could see for myself. Only then, it was the teasing to contend with in being called, “four eyes”. I was so insecure, I would have given up the ability to see if I could have only been accepted by my peers.
Either way, it still didn’t seem to matter. My school work still suffered and the teasing continued. In my youthful innocence, I even turned to prayer that I remembered from Sunday School for clear eyesight. But over time, that didn’t seem to work either, so I gave up and life went on — I adapted.
More glasses, stronger prescriptions, hard contacts, contacts with holes, soft toric contacts: they all helped me throughout the years to see and function in my world as I know it. I’ve been happily settling for the best possible combinations of correction in order to see. Sometimes, compromising distance to balance medium and close-up vision.
Now, I’m at a crossroads, as it is in life when you come to a wall and can’t run anymore. My contact prescription has run out as well as my contacts, my glasses barely function between distance, middle and close up correction and my eye appointment revealed I’m a candidate for cataract surgery. Well . . .
I have an appointment with the surgeon Monday but given the additional cost for astigmatism that option isn’t necessarily a gimme either, after insurance coverage.
So, I’ve come full circle from the first glasses in grade school and prayers for clear eyesight. Given the spiritual work I’ve been processing, I’m more tuned into my feelings and when I hear hubby say, “I want to do this for you”, my heart wants to cry as if I’m hearing those words come from a higher source in answer to a prayer so long ago.
So, I found it fitting that I, ironically, came across Karin’s post “Murmuration” recently and this video helped to clarify what is going on and serve as a source of encouragement. It speaks to me on what I look to see and feel — free and spontaneous: something like these beautiful starlings in flight captured by filmmaker, Neels Castillon, on a commercial shoot in Marseille, France, in 2013. It’s called “A Bird Ballet” (please watch – it may help you understand):
The beauty of these birds soaring in harmony caught up in the sheer pleasure of flying is refreshing. It’s freeing to my soul no matter what obstacles. How light and effortless they move about the sky without running into one another. It’s as if they’re dancing to a heavenly tune only they can hear.
It’s the excitement I get each time I feel loved and get guidance from a higher source when faced with challenges in my life. I know I’m not alone. I don’t know what will be the outcome of all of this but just from listening to the stirring on the inside there’s more going on than what I see.
Maybe, through the course of working through all these awakenings, I’ll write a book. If I do, I think I’ll call it, “Don’t Kill the Messenger”, as I enter another 10-week Presence Process for the 5th time.
For now, I hope you know in reading this story that no matter what age, life will always keep challenging you to get out of yourself, inviting you to take leaps and push the boundaries. If you don’t know how, go out and watch the birds.
I hope you’ll accept the challenge and become all that you came here to be.
Pat from the ‘ol kitchen table
Note: For more information, here are some resources I’ve found to be helpful in my spiritual growth:
- “The Presence Process – A Journey Into Present Moment Awareness” – Revised Edition by Michael Brown. You can also visit his site to learn more at “The Presence Portal”.
- “Wishes Fulfilled” by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
- “Don’t Die with Your Music Still In You” by Serena J. Dyer
- “I Can See Clearly Now” by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
- “I Am” Wishes Fulfilled Meditation by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer and James F. Twyman
- “Experiencing the Miraculous” — a Spiritual Journey to Assisi, Lourdes and Medjugorje — 4-DVD set by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
- (Now reading) “Take Off Your Glasses and See – How to Heal Your Eyesight and Expand Your Insight” by Jacob Liberman, O.D., Ph.D.